It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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