I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
