Is it because I queefed?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Who died my cat blue again?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
