can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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