you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
