youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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