just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
