At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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