you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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