It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
