I need help removing her.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
