Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
