I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
