It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
