You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think people are normalizing furries
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
