My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
