his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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