never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
