Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
