i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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