Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
