I hate your face
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
