so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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