Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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