My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
