make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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