Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
