i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
