If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
