I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You left your phone here
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