Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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