Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
