I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
