I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
