I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
