Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
