Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize