does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
