So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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