Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
