We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
How external is "for external use only"?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
