I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
