She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
