the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
