I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
