respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
