Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
