saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
