hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
