Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize