i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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