Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
