Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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