this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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