I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
