i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Randomize
