I puked a lego.
well you can't waste a boner
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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