apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
